Close to the Fire

To be close to You – the source and giver of all things…

do I seek you for comfort and peace or a just to be near

the object of my desire?

Is there love without the corruption of self seeking?

Is all my running after You only truly seeking myself?

I get closer, but see the fire and step back – fearing

to walk through it

to get to You.

What did I really want?

Who did I think You were?

You have given more than I could ever understand, that I might stand here

in this dilemma, asking this shameful question, ‘is it worth it?’ which I realize actually means

Are You worth it?

I am a comfortable 72 degrees.  What overcomes the inertia of static stagnancy?  What is it I really want?  In the end, this will always be the pivot of all my actions.  Do I want You more than I want me?

All my high ambition, lofty words..  so vain and fleeting.

Many have come close and suffered.  In the conflict of flesh dying and Spirit living, they suffer.  They suffer in your mercy, to defend against the enemy of pride.  They suffer in loneliness where they cannot express and no one else has seen – a private place between man and You alone.  They suffer at the hands of those who fear their revelation.  Some have suffered, not realizing You were drawing them through, to bring them a degree closer to Yourself.  But always, there is the suffering. 

Yet, even You have walked through this, and hold out Your hand for us to follow.   How is it that You who are perfect and beyond the reach of anything that is not light – share in this suffering? 

In this You are not an ogre, asking me to come forward, untouched by my condition, but a brother in my humanity, a mentor, and yet an all consuming fire.

I cannot reconcile this paradox in my mind, yet if I forget either the fire or Your empathetic bond through common experience, I will fall back into myself.    

 

 

Luk 14:26-33  “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.  Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.  For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?  Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’  Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand?  And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace.  So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple.

Rom 12:1  I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

Heb 2:10  For it was fitting that he, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering.

Heb 4:15  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.

1Pe 5:6 -11 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.  Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

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