Loss and Gain

I have been out of the writing loop for awhile.  Sickness, fatigue, and being overly busy first robbed my ability to share my thoughts, and eventually progressed to where I wasn’t having many thoughts about much of anything.  I went through a period of blank numbness which I believed was linked to my physical condition.  But because aspects of our being are not isolated from one another, the physical affected the mental and the emotional life as well.  I used to believe that a sick body would also be a detriment to my spiritual health, so I had been taught in the past.  But in spite of pain, lack of mental acuity, fatigue, anxiety, and borderline depression, I found myself reaching for God more, and sensing His presence and assurance in the middle of my valley.

I told a friend that it sounds strange to have peace in the moments of anxiety – but I did.  Fear would come.. jolted awake at night at times.  Heart races, thoughts race, stomach in knots.  Then my mind rests in Christ and I know in spite of the way I “feel” He is there.  He is in control.  I just have to ride out the storm until He calms the waves.   My spirit is interlocked and quickened in His.  Nothing can separate that.  It rises above what is happening and finds a purpose in everything.

Over a year ago we discontinued our satellite dish.  I loved watching the kids transform back into imaginative, creative, energetic beings.  But recently we were gifted with a Wii console.  Suddenly every toy in the house became boring and I realized that “letting them play it out and get bored with it” approach was not going to work.  The whining and begging to play the Wii often began even before breakfast, so to avoid the all-day battle, this wise mother (wink.. I should know better by now) decided to just lay down some guidelines.  No Wii till 3.  Thirty minute turns till dinner, then no more Wii.

But my plan to end the whining only created new opportunities for it.  “When is it 3:00?  Is it 3:00 yet?  I wish it was 3:00.  Is it lunchtime yet?” (30 minutes after breakfast).  The four-year old’s concept of time does not lend to patience.  His days had suddenly become long and agonizing.  I finally did the unthinkable.  “If you whine about when to play the Wii, you will lose your turn for the day!”  He didn’t believe me.  Not only that, his sister decided to help with some extra chores to earn some money so he didn’t even get to watch anyone play the Wii.   But something better happened.  As we were having a washcloth folding party, I enjoyed the one-on-one time with him and teaching him new things.

I suddenly related this to my life.  Losses, disappointments, times which seemed like cruel and unusual punishment; each of these times were opportunities for more fellowship with my Father and new things learned from Him. Two friends just shared about their trouble sleeping at night, but they were rejoicing in their unscheduled prayer time.

Much good has been produced out of my down time, learning many helpful things as God answers my prayers for wisdom and direction.  His Peace is becoming my peace more every day and I feel He has grown my understanding in many ways, as I am more in awe of Him, and less willing to boast of what I think I know.

Life is a constant adjustment game to gains and losses in all areas of our lives.  Some desired, others resented.  But in times of need and pruning, watch and listen carefully.  Your Father may be wanting to give you better than you had.

 

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